TheFinal Destinationseries might be one of the most unique horror franchises around, because they’re essentially slasher films without a slasher. Death itself stalks the characters in these films, subjecting them to convoluted accidents that frequently play out like comedy routines, right up until the graphic finish. Seriously, people get beefed so hard in these films they disappear from photographs.
In honor of the 20th anniversary of the first film, I’ve ranked every single death in theFinal Destinationseries. That’s right - every circuitous, Rube Goldberg-ian fatality in the franchise’s bloody history has been ordered from worst to greatest by yours truly, a man of undeniable taste and supreme vision. The main thing I noticed while rewatching all 5 films to collate this list was how much Death loves folk rock. It’s always tipping its hand by playing Kansas andJohn Denver. Just once I’d like it to kick off a vision by blasting Drowning Pool. Just let the bodies hit the floorone time, Death, you coward.
41. Offscreen Brick Attack - Final Destination 2
Alex (Devon Sawa), the protagonist from the first film, is killed offscreen in between Final Destination and Final Destination 2 by a falling brick to the dome, which is super lame and easily the worst death in the series. Screw this one.
40. Giant Chicken Spear to the Chest - Final Destination 5
Peter (Miles Fisher), or as I like to call him “Discount Tom Cruise”, goes crazy and tries to kill Sam (Nicholas D’Agosto) and Molly (Emma Bell) to get Death to skip hiim, but Sam lances him through the chest with a giant rotisserie joust. The kitchen is a nice set-up because it teases so much gnarly shit that could potentially happen, but Peter ends up dying like an action movie villain. This would’ve ruled in a mid-careerArnold Schwarzeneggermovie, but in aFinal Destinationfilm it’s kind of a let-down.
39. Therapy Bathtub Pancake - The Final Destination
The cowboy hat guy(JacksonWalker) gets crushed by a physical therapy bathtub falling through the ceiling on top of him in a hospital. The set-up is dumb, because a nurse just leaves an already-completely-full bathtub running and walks out of the movie, and it literally floods the entire room. Like, Death does not intervene here. He just lets negligent employees do the work for him.
38. Surprise Flagpole to the Heart - Final Destination 3
Perry (MaggieMa) is impaled by a flying flagpole. This one is a fine surprise, but it’s a character we’ve barely seen getting very suddenly lanced by an airborne American flag. It’s fun, but doesn’t have the buildup or payoff of the set pieces when one of the main characters are caught in death traps.
37. Runaway Ambulance Driven by Blind EMTs - The Final Destination
George (MykeltiWilliamson) gets obliterated by an ambulance being driven roughly 70 mph in a hospital loop by sightless EMTs. It’s a repeat of a death we saw inFinal Destination, albeit with more gore. The practical gore is nice, but this is a lazy offer and is pretty disappointing.
36. Sudden Bus - Final Destination
Terry (Amanda Detmer) getting creamed by an out-of-nowhere bus was pretty great when this movie came out in 2000, but the gag of a character suddenly getting hit by a car and/or bus has been repeated in dozens of movies in the past 20 years (they even repeat it in theFinal Destinationseries).
35. Bush League NASCAR Apocalypse - The Final Destination
The opening accident inThe Final Destinationis easily the worst of the series, and that’s a shame because it should’ve been a home run - a NASCAR crash in glorious 3D?! Yes, please. The gore is fun and its conceptually brutal, but the digital effects, made weirdly unreal by their design for 3D, looked bad at the time and have not aged well. It’s a great idea but it doesn’t really live up to its potential.
34. Haunted Mass Transit Derailment - Final Destination 3
Wendy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) gets one final premonition of her and her friends dying in a cataclysmic subway derailment, and it’s kinda bitchin'. There’s some fun gore (particularly whenRyan Merrimanis absolutely erased from existence), but has the same problems as the roller coaster crash in the beginning, in that it’s spoiled a bit by sub-par visual effects.
33. Guillotine THWOMP - Final Destination 3
Ian (KrisLemche) is smashed in half by a cherry picker. This one is a little underwhelming, because it’s a variation of a few deaths we’ve already seen (Tim inFinal Destination 2), and it’s very abrupt. Wendy dodges some fireworks and they hit the machine, causing it to fall on Ian. It’s also a bit disappointing, because it’s the very last game of the film and there isn’t much to it. It is a solid smush, though.
32. Giant Factory Hook to the Brain - Final Destination 5
Roy (Brent Stait) the factory worker falls through a grate and impales his head on a giant hook. It’s gruesome, but it loses some points because it happens instantly and there’s not much of a set piece. There’s a nice bit of a misdirect though, because we think Nathan (Arlen Escarpeta) is going to fall and get impaled on some spikes, but then a crane hook falls in between him and Roy and Roy falls through the floor onto the hook instead.
