Netflix’sLove is Blindhas been accused of serving mental hazards every season with singles mistreating one another in various ways both inside and outside the pods.Clay Gravesande, 31, was a popular bachelor onSeason 6of the popularreality dating experiment. In the pods, away from the distraction of physicality or the opportunity to escape vulnerability with sexual advances,it’s not uncommon for singles to end up baring their souls to the safest voice on the other side of the wall. Clay found acceptance in the sweet-natured voice ofAmber Desiree, affectionately known as AD. Clay shared painful childhood memories of watching his father cheat on his mother as a child. AD gave Clay a safe space to find himself offering encouragement instead of judgment.Being vulnerablewith a woman that affirmed him was a feeling Clay wasn’t used to and, based on that euphoric feeling, he proposed from the other side of the pod, then went back to the men’s dorm and dreamed of how beautiful he hoped his new bride would be.
Before he slipped into euphoria, Clay mentioned wanting to know what AD looked like physically before proposing. Oddly enough, he’d signed up to be on a show titled,Love is Blindcompletely contradicting his reason for being there. AD refused to describe her physical attributes, insisting she wanted something more substantial. Clay adamantly disagreed, but in the spirit of remaining on the show, he begrudgingly moved forward with the relationship. Taking a comprehensive look at the couple’s love story, that exchange wasthe first sign that Clay and AD were sorely mismatched.In the end, AD got her heartbroken. And instead of doing so at the altar, Clay could have been a bit more clear on his intentions of not getting married by the deadline set onthe unique dating show.
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Clay and AD had an awkward first meeting during the reveal. Once the two embraced and sat down, Clay gestured towards AD’s body in amazement and, instead of telling her how beautiful she was, Clay complimented AD on her back. AD laughed it off and showered Clay with compliments while he simply smiled. This was another opportunity for Clay to acknowledge his hesitation, but again,his desire to be labeled as a “nice guy” kept his lips sealed on his dissatisfaction.
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Clay’s painful revelation in the pods was the equivalent of picking up an old scarand finding underneath the superficial skin the wound was infected and unhealed.According to an article in MNcounselingtherapy.com, titled ‘How Infidelity Impacts Young, Teenage & Adult Children’, 75% percent of those who responded to a ' Parents Who Cheat' survey “reported that they felt betrayed by the parent who cheated.” Clay continued to express love and admiration for his father but wasvisibly confused as to how his father, the hero, could treat his mother so poorly.
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Clay voiced concerns to AD throughout their short engagement after the pods,suggesting he wasn’t sure he could be faithful. At one point on their post-pod vacation, he teared up looking at AD and said, “I just don’t want to disappoint you.” AD immediately became frantic and Clay pulled back his true feelings. That was the biggest opportunity for Clay to be honest with AD about the fact that he wasn’t ready to be her husband. Instead, he chickened out because he didn’t want to be the bad guy, sealing his fate as another man who knowingly would break AD’s heart. Clay missed another opportunity for honesty and AD continued looking at her fiancé through rose-colored glasses, refusing to read the writing on the wall.
Clay Showcased Immature Behaviors in His Relationship
Another opportunity reared a more obvious head whenAD complained about her fiancé not wanting to come home every night but opting instead to stay at his own place to be closer to work. The couple sat with Clay’s mother,Margarita Gravesande, and his sister to attempt to counsel the engaged couple. Clay claimed the drive was inconvenient, and he wanted to be committed to his work. AD vehemently disagreed but didn’t take action.
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On the couple’s wedding day, their families waited for both their decisions with bated breath. Clay seemed happier to see his father show up than he did later that afternoon, watching his bride walk down the aisle. Instead of being overcome by his bride’s beauty when she walked down the aisle, Clay chose to focus on her figure in her fitted wedding gown with a thigh-high slit. “OK body,” Clay teased,acknowledging AD’s sex appeal but never her bridal beauty. After heart-wrenching narratives from both, AD eagerly stated her “I do’s”, eyes shining with love. Clay finally found the strength to tell AD he couldn’t go through with the marriage, but it was too little, too late. She was blindsided and her heart was broken.
Future ‘Love Is Blind’ Participants Can Learn From Clay’s Mistakes
For as long as dating reality shows have been a guilty pleasure, people have been suggesting most candidates need therapy. If you want to see examples of gaslighting, low self-esteem, narcissism, triggering behavior, and any other trendy mental health terms, turn on a reality dating series and take your fill. Clay’s admission and behavior were proof that he wasn’t ready to be married, buthis lack of physical excitement proved to some viewers that he was not attracted to ADin a way a husband needs to be attracted to his wife.
Clay’s mother,Margarita, had one of the most insightful conversations captured on reality television with Clay’s father, her ex-husband,Trevor Gravesande. She urged him to take accountability for his actions to help their son heal. As quoted in MNcounselingtherapy.com, “Children whose parents cheated are frequently less able to enjoy a healthy romantic relationship as adults. Mistrust of romantic partners may plague them. Commonly, those adult children attract and are attracted to partners who cheat. Additionally, they may have a propensity toward infidelity themselves.”
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Margarita placed their son’s irresponsibility towards relationships in his father’s lap and dared him to own up to his misdeeds to her and their family to break the cycle.Clay’s immature emotional behavior is undoubtedly the result of childhood trauma from his father’s openly philandering ways. That truth, however, does not excuse Clay from hurting the woman who created a safe, loving space for him to allow the boy in him hurting from his father’s disrespectful behavior to have a voice. AD’s tears after being rejected were felt by women across the country who took to social media in her defense. Hip-hop artistWale chimed in on Twitter, saying “Aye Clay of Love is Blind…I seen that coming a mile away…that show was air bnb promo. That’s diabolical behavior to do that girl like that.” Most fans of the show agreed with Wale, having no sympathy for Clay’s explanation at the altar, especially after he attempted to further manipulate AD by asking for a hug and kissing her, after leaving her in tears at the altar in front of family and friends.
Rebirthologist and counselor Latonia Taylor was a producer on Iyanla Vanzant’s highly popular,Iyanla Fix My Life. She believes Margarita’s words to Clay’s father were very important for Trevor and the show’s audience to hear, but most importantly for Clay. “We often talk about forgiveness, but we miss the opportunity available in atonement. This mother, Margarita offered truth in love for a demonstration of atonement that serves to close the hole inside her son’s heart the size of his father, and the father to acknowledge his hole and forgive himself.That’s how we heal generationally,” she explained in her review of the episode.
Clay’s televised mistake should be a cautionary talefor anyone leading a love interest when they know their heart isn’t at peace with the relationship. R&B group Atlantic Starr said it best in their infamous lyrics from their 1985 broken-hearted ballad: “If your heart isn’t in it, why can’t you tell me so? If your heart isn’t in it, why keep me hangin' on?
